Oh (Air) Canada

So we are back from a busy lovely trip home to see the family. Unfortunately the weather wasn’t as stinking hot as i expected and we saw a fair bit of rain (contrary to the belief of my niece, I had nothing to do with the rain and in fact I did not pack it in my suitcase and bring it from London).
We did arrive safely but much to my disappointment we had to fly Air Canada. I am not sure what specifically it is that i hate about Air Canada but I do, and have had enough annoying flights with them that even if they upgraded me every time to their schwanky business class pod seats (which are still not as nice as British Airways) I would still find them annoying.

It could be the fact that they taunt us by flying airplanes that instead of having TV’s in the seats with on-demand programming (that about every intercontinental airline has) they have a fancy upholstered pillow. Its almost as if Martha Stewart came on the flight and said ‘hey do you know how to hide that hole that should contain a tv? Put a pillow in it and match the fabric to the gross seats..no one will notice‘. On the upside, the seats in front of you are so close that if you lean forward about 3 degrees you can use said pillow as a head rest (or to repeatedly smash your head on while repeating why didn’t I fly BA).

Another thing that bugs me is that if you order a can of pop, they don’t give you the whole can!! Are you my mother? Are you afraid I may wet my seat if I drink the whole can? or that I might stay up too late? Seriously, they give you 19 ice cubes and three tablespoons of coke…I am stuck in a metal vehicle with a forehead pillow for 8 hours the least you could give me is a sugar rush.

On this particular flight we were fortunate enough to have Ned Flanders as the cabin service director who was responsible for all of the in flight announcements. This guy may as well have started with hi-diddly-do-passengers because his (numerous) announcements were filled with annoying phrases like ‘when we get across the pond’, ‘jump this puddle’, ‘get to jolly old’…blah blah blah. Not only was he living his dream of being a radio announcer but he repeated his stupid soliloquy’s in English AND French (god bless our bilingual nation).

My favourite bit came near the end when he started telling people how to transfer to a connecting flight from the Toronto airport as if it was brain surgery…if it is that complicated that Ned Flanders has to give a 20 minute lesson then Toronto airport needs to sort their shit out…other airlines will say “and if you are connecting, follow the signs as we assume you are all able to read’. Ned Flanders even went the extra mile listing out the gate numbers for ALL possible connecting flights, I counted 15 cities before I almost died of boredom…then yup he did it in French too.

As you can imagine I was minutes away from jumping out the window as not only had Ned spoken for 20 minutes but the pilot decided that circling Southern Ontario in the plane drawing a pair of reading glasses on the GPS map would be WAY more fun than actually landing (below is an ACTUAL picture, yes I was that bored).

If this wasn’t enough, the kid behind me decided that we weren’t landing fast enough so started sobbing so hard he was hiccuping… ‘Why (hiccup) aren’t we laaaaanding yet (hiccup)? We (hiccup) were supposed to land 15 minutes agooooo’ repeat 750 times. I am not saying this wouldn’t happen on BA but at least the kid would probably have a cute little posh English accent and say something like; Mummy, why do you reckon this plane is so tardy? I was under the impression we were to arrive a quarter of an hour ago (sips tea with his pinkie up)’

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6 Responses to Oh (Air) Canada

  1. Kirstin says:

    LOVE the reading glasses! And I’m so accustomed to Air Canada that I don’t even think I NOTICE the sub-standard service. I’m more the wide-eyed simpleton who gets all “shoooooot, we done and got the them-there fancy air-o-plane” if we get one with tvs in the headrests. You are a TRUE jet-setter and I will hold you & your hubby in the same regard as Posh & Becks from now on.

  2. Kimberley says:

    Oh I couldn’t agree more. When the attendant comes around my hubby has now says “can I have a whole can of coke”. The chick will give it to him, but I am sure if she could she would split in his cup first.
    You need to fly on KLM, you get FREE booze! One more pet peeve, why do they turn off the TV’s 30 minutes before the plane is even scheduled to land? When we went to Miami I sat through almost the whole movie (things I lost in the fire – in case you were curious), only to miss the freakin ending! GOD, what is wrong with people!

  3. Adrienne says:

    I never thought of asking for a full can! I also hate the TV’s going off so early…they turned them off a half an hour before we started circling on our way into Toronto so they were off for way over an hour. I was so bored I hardly knew what to do with myself…when is someone going to figure out teleporting?

  4. Katherine says:

    Adrienne … you crack me up!!! That flight path is a real winner; did the pilot hoard all the booze up front or something??

    Here’s a brilliant idea for you – pull a Carrie Bradshaw and publish your best entries as a “Canadian’s Guide to Being a Brit” or somesuch as a book, like she did with her columns (well, okay, I know that was just TV, but still!). Golden. =)

  5. Adrienne says:

    I am not sure a book like that would sell enough to get me even one pair of Manolo’s but I am willing to give it a try…wanna be my manager? You did after all, come up with the idea!

  6. Pingback: Bookmarks about Gps

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